BETRAYAL...

I realize that I never processed anything before The Holy Spirit began to teach me about my experiences in this life through His lenses. As I self-reflect, I began to see the pattern. I was traumatized very early in life and the trauma kept expanding as I grew older. I didn't understand that it was all supernatural and spiritual at the same time. When something injures you and causes you pain then you instinctively look for the remedy. Pain isn't desirable. Loneliness isn't desirable. Emptiness isn't desirable. Feeling unloved, unwanted, and unseen are not traits that we aspire to have. We look to relationships to soothe the pains of our childhoods. We are misguided in our interpretations of love, and we always seem to believe that a man choosing us to partner with and build a home will give us value and increase our worth.

The betrayal of someone that you love and trusted impacts you sometimes more severely than the initial traumas that you experienced. You opened up to this person and you shared the most intimate parts of yourself with them because you believed the lies that they portrayed to you. The purpose was for you to disclose your innermost thoughts, fears, desires, and ultimately so they could manipulate you into trusting them. Betrayal of this type affects you deeply because this person actually intended to exasperate the wounds that you already carried. Narcissists only have one purpose: to steal, kill, and destroy. The goal is to do this in a space that typically goes undetected and that is within a relationship.

I was a woman who was living a life on a foundation based on childhood sexual abuse, parental/familial abuse, verbal/physical abuse, and low self-esteem. This person listened intently and modified his attack based on my injuries in the past and desperation for love. Betrayal requires that you trust someone at their word and to come into the awareness that they never intended to honor their word, but to do the complete opposite. That is SATANIC. He wants to attack your soul and enjoys the breaks and tears in your heart and mind. He loves the constant flushes of fear and insecurity. He enjoys seeing you yet again in an environment where you are not safe, and he has easy access to torment you discreetly.

Every bruise placed on your body, heart, and mind gives Satan a very perverse type of delight. He knows that your heart was really created to connect with God and receieve immense LOVE from Him, yet here you are dying to be loved by someone who hates you. He shows that he hates you in the ways that he contantly abuses you despite your attempts to please him. He disregards your tears and feeings and enjoys the many ways in which you serve and please him. He knows that you desire companionship, but also that you don't understand that it is NOT AVAILABLE with him. Each day you are accepting betrayal when you agree to abuse.

I was desperate for friends that I can now see only came into my life to either attack, pervert, or entrap me. I was desperate to be included by family members who I have had to learn were envious, manipulative, and controlling. These family members never had any love for me whatsoever, but I was so desperate to be loved by them all of my life. I was the epitome of “the black sheep”. I was desperate for the love and protection of men that intended to devour, abuse, and demean me. For the very first time in my life I have reaped a postive return on my desperation. When I became desperate for God I encountered LOVE, JOY, PEACE, HAPPINESS, WISDOM, HEALING, PROTECTION, AFFIRMATION, SAFETY, BLESSINGS, KNOWLEDGE, UNDERSTANDING, AND FREEDOM, I decided to placed my heart in the hands of the one who will never betray me. November 2019 will forever be etched in my memory because I was set free from the cycles of abuse/trauma that I had been living in all of my life. I finally placed my hope in a place where I know that I'm guareented to experience all that I am hoping for if I continue to place my trust in Him despite Satans repetitive attempts to cause me to distrust my God.

I encourage you to trust the one who createdyour heart and never intended for you to experience all the breaks that it did away from Him. If you haven't already, please invite Jesus into your heart and trust Him. He will never do to you what people have done, but He will certainly heal, restore, and renew you. Give your heart away this one last time and receive the LOVE that you have always been searching for.