Feeling Unsure...

Hey Siss.. so if you are new here, this blog is for sisters like me who found themselves in abusive relationships with narcissists. In fact, most of us had no clue that we were being abused until we learned the behavior and patterns of the systemic abuse that these types of people administer. The sad part is that they only had access to you because of a combination of unidentified/unhealed traumas and loss of identity. When you begin to learn more about what your experience with a Narcissist really was leading to, it can be hard to accept. One of the hardest things is that this person never had a genuine interest in you or anything pertaining to your happiness, but the complete opposite.

It's mind shattering when you have to accept and process the fact that you welcomed a killer into your heart, body, soul, mind, and home. This person is a killer because they are focused on destroying you in every way possible and they are using your past wounds and desire for love to do so. That is one word sis... EVIL! I found myself with a heightened sense of uncertainty after leaving the narc. How could I have been so pitifully blind for seven years? I couldn't see that this person didn't love me although I felt unloved many times throughout this relationship.

I would feel ashamed that I had been that desperate for a relationship that I allowed myself to suffer in order to obtain it. I placed photos on social media with the facade of happiness or winning because I was desperate to prove to others that I had value and that they missed out on not choosing me. When I really take a close look at my life, I was always pretending. I masked my true self to become who others would accept or love. I altered myself in every way possible in order to have connections. All of them proved to be fatal in the end as they all took from me in ways that caused the deepest voids and agony.

When I began to learn about my value as a Hidden Royal Daughter of The Most High God of Israel my spirit revived. I found comfort in learning about the Kingdom of God that I was now brought back to when Jesus died for me and I accepted, believed, and confessed Him as my Savior. I didn't want to make any more mistakes. I wanted to live honorably for my Heavenly Father. I became unsure. Unsure about making the right choices and decisions being that I had failed so miserably in not seeing that I allowed a narcissistic person into my life who was harboring a demon on assignment to destroy me. I felt incapable of knowing what was best for me.

The scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart: And lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths"(Proverbs 3:5-6) comforted me in every way possible. I didn't have to worry about my past poor decisions anymore. I wasn't trusting in a man to fulfill my needs anymore. I wasn't leaning on his love and support being that everyone in my past abandoned and rejected me. I wasn't acknowledging and adhering to his needs, wants, desires, and cruelty anymore. I WAS TRUSTING IN MY HEAVENLY FATHER AND NOT MYSELF! I WAS ACKNOWLEDGING GOD AND HE BEGAN TO DIRECT MY LIFE TO FREEDOM!

If you are experiencing the processing phase of the relationship and you feel as if you can't trust yourself to make good decisions or judgements, I would encourage you to trust in the only one who would never hurt, use, or abuse you. His love actually heals every wound that you ever received in this life in your mind, your will, and your emotions, which is your soul. I find it truly amazing that your soul is the very thing that Jesus died to save from a wicked enemy who determined to see you suffer and be tormented forever. Please place your crown back on by accepting Jesus as your Savior and never worry about uncertainty again because he CERTAINLY loved you so much that he purchased you back from the enemy by laying down his life to pay for our sins.

I pray that this blog blessed and encouraged you today Sis.