"OFF" DAYS... And How To Push THROUGH!

So Sis, I must be completely honest with you. Every day will not be sunshine and rainbows. I'm sure you didn't really need me to tell you that. I just thought that if I said it here in my blog as I'm literally telling myself this very thing, that it would help! I left the abusive relationship in 2020 and there are days that are just a struggle. Sometimes I think that they are a struggle because I'm torn with trusting my own capability of making good decisions and choices. When you have been enmeshed your entire life with people who helped to alter your sense of reality and capabilities, it does have an effect on you. I struggle sometimes with knowing that I have the proper wisdom needed to navigate effectively in this world. Codependency definitely took a toll on me during this abusive relationship and the effects impacted me after it ended.

I was so accustomed to pleasing everyone and seeing to it that they were content, satisfied, and happy. I was trained from my youth to tend to the needs of others and that was what I was purposed to do. When I left this relationship, I would always say to myself "I don't want to be connected to manipulative, abusive, or controlling people anymore". This became my new standard to live by because my Heavenly Father helped me to see that these types of people surrounded me my entire life. I learned that narcissistic people do not like when you use your own will. Your will is your ability to decide or choose. This discreetly altered my entire life so now that I am actually walking in a space where I am able to actually decide completely for myself, it gets overwhelming sometimes.

I believe another big reason is because I just don't want to make the wrong choice again. I don't want to find myself in yet another abusive cycle because I neglected to see someone or something for who or what it truly is. I still struggle sometimes with accepting that evil really exists and lies within other people, even though I have experienced it firsthand so many countless times. There have been times that I have openly received someone in the workplace only to learn that this person harbored this same evil spirit that I escaped from in that relationship. The same jealous, controlling, dominating spirit! I made the poor choice of assuming that everyone is kindhearted and good. I needed to "test the spirit" as the bible mentions in 1 John 4:1. The feeling that I felt when I realized that this woman, who professed to be a woman of God, actually had this same spirit, I felt a mix of emotions. I failed to pray and ask My Abba to reveal the heart of this person before I begin to just give of myself the way that I had always done. I was accessed swiftly by her, but my spiritual ignorance led to me learning the hard way.

I had to remember that wisdom is actually given by God! James 1:5-6 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." I needed every bit of these verses. I needed to believe that I had received the wisdom I had asked for and not continue to doubt it. I was struggling with double-mindedness. I needed to trust God and also myself which was so hard to do seeing that I had made so many poor decisions. Decisions that left me and my daughter with no home, no car, and a feeling as if I had completely failed in life.

These are some of my "OFF DAYS". I have to find scriptures to remind me of my worth, value, and purpose. I sing songs of worship and praise when I am feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or frustrated. I declare the promises that my Heavenly Father made to me and that He promised that He would never lie to me, and I shall see them all come to pass if I continue to love, trust, honor, and obey Him. Today, June 21, 2023 was one of those days for me Sis. I want you to know that you will have them! You have to fight against those thoughts bombarding you and making you feel like you have no peace or hope. Everything seems to be falling apart right now for me, but I choose to believe that my Father, The King of Kings really does "know the plans he has for me" and despite what everything may look like around me, that those plans are to " prosper me and not to harm me". They are to "give me a hope and a future". This is stated in Jeremiah 29:11.

So Sis, when you have these types of days you will need prayer, your bible, and to give your tears to God because He catches every one of them and He hears your cries. I know that I have better days ahead of me because I am in the Kingdom of God now and I know that He is the ultimate provider, protector, and I am safe with Him. It is ok to feel a little uneasy when learning how to utilize your ability to choose. Just ask God for wisdom and He will give it to you. All you must do is believe, receive, trust, and apply. Even when you make a mistake, He is still there to forgive you when you repent, and He'll show you a better way.

Thank you for spending time with me today Sis as I share my heart and journey with you. I pray that my testimony continues to lead you closer to Jesus and also that you know that freedom from narcissistic abuse is yours as well.

Be blessed. Be blessed. Be blessed!